18 years ago today, we lost the greatest lady in the world, my mother, Paula Hook Sloan. The anniversary of her passing is not something we have ever dwelled upon, but we always acknowledge it and let each other know we're thinking about each other.
This year, it's a little more bitter than most others because I need her so now more than ever before. I am facing the most wonderful, the most scary, the most amazing thing that will ever happen to me and it makes me so sad not to have her here. I need her guidance and I absolutely hate that she is missing out on the joys of being a grandparent. What I wouldn't give to be able to ask her about how she fed us, prepared for us, mothered us.
I wouldn't be the person I am without my mother's life and I've come to learn that the same is true of her death. I wouldn't have the strength I have and so many other things without my short almost 12 years with her or without having endured her passing and everything that goes along with such a great loss. I'm not thankful for it by any stretch of the imagination, but we have to look for the positives in life or there's no one to blame but ourselves if we're miserable. God knows why she's gone and it's not up to me to try to figure it out. Trust me, it's on my list of questions to ask when I meet him. :)
Several years ago, my dad gave Shelby and me Mama's Bible. We pass it back and forth. She was a woman of deep, deep faith and her Bible is worn and beautiful. There are highlites, notes, underlined verses, and random paper scraps within that I love to come across. I love to picture her while she made the notes, etc... I even came across a gum wrapper once that I just couldn't bring myself to throw away; just stuck it right back in the crease it had inhabited for all these years. One of my favorite finds in her Bible is this note she made (pic below) I'm assuming of a sermon about parenting. It means so much to me to look back and remember that she put each of these into practice.
I hope I can follow her example in these and so many other things on my journey through life. She was such a wonderful mother and such a great example as a wife.
I know she is in heaven looking down on everything going on in our lives and is so happy and proud.
3 comments:
Hannah, your mother was a very special lady ! I too know she is very proud of you and Shelby and your beautiful lives you've created. Live by her example. She will throw a party when Jake arrives!
This day sucks, but I am POSITIVE she will all around us on the day your baby boy comes into this world. I miss her so much it hurts:(
Oh my precious girls! This is a very poignant day foe me, as well. The years have dulled the raw pain, but my heart will always remain heavy and with a huge hole until we are reunited at His feet.
If only I could put into words how much I love you both! I do believe that God has kept me here all these years since your mamaa left us for a reason... to love on you and your precious babies just as your mama would.
The first few years following her death was a horrible nightmare, and I regret to this day that I was not there for you as I certainly should have been. Thank you for looking past rhat and loving me anyway. I promise that I will NEVER neglect you or let you down again. I will ALWAYS be here for you during both good and bad times. God has truly blessed me. I never dreamed that I wouldd be entrusted with FOUR BEAUTIFUL GIRLS of my own!!!!
Hanna, I have no doubt that your sweet mama is waiting with excitement for Jake's arrival just as we are! Don't forget to lean on Him for peace and strength during this time. I can hardly wait to get that little boyfriend in my arms!!!!
I LOVE YOU!!!
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